The first message sets the tone for your entire conversation. Yet many people struggle with what to say—or worse, send generic openers that go unanswered. Let's change that.
Why Most First Messages Fail
The biggest mistake? Not personalizing. Messages like "Hey" or "Hi there" have abysmal response rates because they show zero effort. Your goal is to demonstrate that you've actually looked at their profile and are genuinely interested in getting to know them.
The Formula for Success
Effective first messages follow this simple structure:
- Personalized opener: Reference something specific from their profile
- Ask a question: Give them something easy to respond to
- Show personality: Let your sense of humor or warmth shine through
Examples That Work
Instead of "Hey," try these approaches:
- "Your photo in Iceland is stunning! What was your favorite part of the trip?"
- "I see you're into hiking—any favorite trails you'd recommend?"
- "Your bio mentions you love cooking. What's your go-to weekend meal?"
- "That concert photo looks amazing! Who was playing and how was the show?"
Topics to Avoid
Some subjects are better saved for later conversations:
- Physical appearance compliments: Focus on personality, interests, or achievements instead
- Heavy or personal topics: Save discussions about past relationships, politics, or religion for when you know each other better
- Sexual or suggestive comments: These are inappropriate and likely to be reported
- Generic pickup lines: They feel insincere and are usually ignored
Timing Matters
Sending your message at the right time can affect response rates. Early evenings (6–8 PM) and weekend afternoons tend to be when people are most active on dating apps. Avoid Monday mornings or late Friday nights when inboxes are flooded.
What to Do If They Don't Reply
Don't take it personally. People are busy, and sometimes messages get buried. If you're truly interested, it's okay to send a gentle follow-up after a week with something like, "Hey, just wanted to follow up—I'd love to chat if you're interested!" If there's still no response, move on gracefully.
The Takeaway
Great first messages are specific, show genuine interest, and give the other person an easy way to continue the conversation. Put in a little effort upfront, and you'll see dramatically better response rates.
Start Sending Better Messages